You’re Fired, Watching THE APPRENTICE – week 4

In business, especially in the current financial climate, one mistake can cost you your job. Omit a zero or misplace a decimal point and you can find yourself collecting a P45 quicker than you can say “oops”, as Paula found out this week on The Apprentice.

The teams were mixed up again this week and their task was to develop and sell a new beauty product made from all natural ingredients. Simple enough right? Decide what you are going to make, produce it using the essential oils and other bits they were provided, design some packaging and get out there and sell it.

The only problem… Paula didn’t realise that Sandalwood oil cast £1200/litre and their product contained 450 ml of the stuff, she thought, because she read the wrong column on the recipe that she was buying 3 ml. A whopping £595 mistake!

Saying that, Paula was not totally to blame, she did leave Ben and Debra in charge of the costing. The problem was Paula was trying to play Little Miss Nice and didn’t ensure they did their job. She just left them to it, so Ben mucked about in the lab playing with the soapy products and Debra, well Debra didn’t do anything.

Sir Alan though couldn’t forgive Paula for her monumental mistake and she was fired… a decision that was probably correct, though I would have fired Ben just for being so bloody annoying!

For a video recap of this episode click here.

You’re Fired, Watching THE APPRENTICE – week 3

This week we saw Sir Alan shake the teams up a bit, and set them what I felt was their most difficult task yet; design a new piece of fitness kit in a day!

A difficult task in my opinion, but it was also one which allowed us to see what a prat Ben Clarke is! This guy actually thinks he is some sort of Adonis… and now he is top of my list of people I would like to be sacked.

more about “BBC – The Apprentice – Episode Extras…“, posted with vodpod

In the end though it was Majid who got the sack, so at least we will not have to look at his silly Abraham Lincoln beard any longer. Still I would have prefered to see Ben get what is coming to him, but that is just my opinion!

You’re Fired! THE APPRENTICE week 2

Week 2 finds the boys against the girls again. This week they have to set up their own catering business. Both teams have to make sandwiches for people in suits to have for lunch, and then host an evening function for up to 50 other people in suits.

Rocky the young guy is team leader for the boys. Apparently he runs fifteen sandwich shops. This should be a breeze for him.

Yasmina takes over the girls team. Word has it she runs ‘an award winning’ restaurant.

The girls quickly come up with a theme; Mediterranean (wow how original)! The boys decide on London 2012 as their theme, WtF? They want to sell, The Olympic Lunch. I think one of them might have been to Little Chef recently where they sell and Olympic Breakfast.

The boys get off to a bad start. They can’t find any offices willing to have them supply sandwiches to their staff. The girls on the other hand easily find some business.

The boys do manage to find a client for their evening buffet. They end up looking like morons in the process. They initially ask for £60/head for a canape selection. Their client laughs and the boys finally end the bidding at £15 per head. In the process they look like the amateur’s that they are.

The girls also find a client for their evening buffet. They too look a bit silly during the sales pitch;

The chicken … it MIGHT be grilled. And that other one is either a hot or a cold canape, yes. And can we do blinis? I’ve HEARD of blinis, and I should think with our experience and ability we can certainly provide those. Either hot or maybe cold, I’ll look into that.

Day 2 begins and it is time for work. The boys split into two team. One team to make and sell the sandwiches (on the street) and the other team to organise the evening. The boys sandwiches look like shit. Strangely though people buy them.

The girls go to the offices they have arranged sandwiches for. People are not impressed with their sandwiches (or lack of sandwiches). At least one customer did get a bonus hair in one

Preparations for the evening are not going much better. Even Philip knows it, and he gives us the quote of the evening;

The menu’s shit, the outfits are shit, it’s all shit: I’m TRYING to stay positive …

The girls food preparation is not going much better. It still looks better than the boys does though, and the girls and not too bothered;

well after a glass or two of wine they’ll not notice, will they?

Crunch time. The boys have created a terrible looking ‘Greek Olympic’ room (what happened to London 2012?) and they look like idiots in togas. The girls food looks terrible as well;

like something that came from a funeral at a working mans club

At least the girls venue looks better than the boys. Sadly for the boys and girls their food is crap, and both sets of clients are not happy. I still think the girls did a bit better than the boys. At least they looked professional.

Day 3 and back to the board room to meet with Sir Alan. The girls made a 651.43 profit. Pretty good. The boys made a loss of £160.76… Alan is not impressed!

So the girls are immune to getting fired, and as a treat they get to go and learn to play the posh sport of polo. The boys stay behind… one of them is going to get fired. Rocky the team leader has to choose the two weak links in the team. He chooses the irritating James, and Howard. Howard looks like he is about to cry.

The usual backstabbing and bickering takes place, but in the end it is Rocky who gets fired.

I feel a bit sorry for him. I was hoping James would get the bullet… and a glimpse back to the Penthouse shows us the others were hoping James would get fired as well.

Maybe next week!

My Week: Sir Alan Sugar – Times Online

For those of you unfamiliar with The Times, every Saturday the fantastic writer Hugo Rifkind presents his fictional account of the past week according to some name in the news. This week his victim was Sir Alan Sugar.

My Week: Sir Alan Sugar

According to Hugo Rifkind

Monday I’m in my study, playing with an executive toy that I designed all by myself. It’s a yoyo that you can send e-mail on, which has a 3.5in disk drive and also makes toast. The buying public never really went for it. What do I care? I’m Alan Sugar. I know what sells, far better than them.

“Remind me,” says that woman who works for me, who looks like she works in a prison. “What actually happens to all of your apprentices? They win the competition, they get given a job, and then . . . what?” There’s a banging sound from my drinks cupboard.

“Questions,” I say. “Questions, questions. You think I got where I am today by asking questions? Don’t make me laugh. Listen, sunshine. You can’t play me. I’m harder to play than a Stradivarius.” That’s my new insult. I’m going to use it on the show.

My other flunkey, the one who looks like an undertaker, puts up his hand. “Um, Sir Alan?” he says. “A Stradivarius isn’t actually harder to play than any other violin. It’s just more expensive.” “He’s right,” says the prison warden. “But seriously. All those old apprentices. They’ve still got jobs, right? It’s just, we never hear from them.” There’s a groan from behind the sofa.

“What was that?” says the undertaker.

“Nothing,” I say.

Tuesday Fact is, I don’t actually much like firing people. Big secret. Otherwise, I’d never put up with all this telly nonsense. Got bored of it years ago. I’ve got widgets to sell.

“How does a successful businessman survive a recession?” ponders the prison warden.

“How do you give it 100 per cent,” muses the undertaker, “in a period of negative growth?” “I’ll give you negative growth,” I say, which is a witticism I’m rather proud of. “But listen. I’ve got an idea. Stradivariuses, right? But cheaper. And with 3.5in disk drives. And maybe other stuff. It’s obviously what the public wants. I’ve got a prototype in the boot.” Behind us, there is a thud and a crunching sound.

“Actually,” I say, “don’t look in the boot.”

Click here to continue

You’re Fired! Following THE APPRENTICE UK – ep 1

Episode one of the UK version of The Apprentice aired last night, and what a night it was. Sir Alan divided the groups into two teams, eight girls and seven boys (there should have been eight boys also but one, Alan Freeman bottled it before the series began and ran back to Chigwell). The Teams were then assigned a simple task, go out and clean, toilets, windows, cars, shoes, whatever, just get out there and start cleaning. This all sounds simple enough to me… But I am not a posh wannabe celeb in a pin-stripped suit!

Both the boys and girls decided to wash cars; the boys decide on a sideline of shining shoes as well… I don’t know either, they just did.

So the boys get down to work, and set up a meeting with a minicab firm to wash their fleet, the girls argue and when they finally pull themselves together and get down to work, go about doing what women do best, they blow most of their shopping budget on cleaning supplies taking their time doing it!

The boys get to the minicab office and work out a deal to wash thirty cars… All seem well in the boys camp. The girls go to a limo firm and offer to wash their three cars for £100 each… WTF, does this include some loving on the side???

The girls finally strike a deal, and like the boys get down to the work of washing… and let me tell you, if you ever want your car washed, don’t give the job to a posh person in a suit! Neither team had a clue how to wash cars, and both did a pretty shitty job!

Meanwhile, the other half of the boys team are shining shoes at King’s Cross and making some money. Soon though the novelty wears off and the boys give up and go to meet up with the rest of the boys to wash some cars.

The girls meanwhile are getting desperate after being sacked by the limo firm, and they just start washing cars any place they can find them… they even go door to door. Personally I liked watching this desperation and “go get-em” attitude! However, the girls were pretty shit at cleaning cars, and Anita didn’t even know how to operate a hose… very very sad!

So we head back to Alan Sugar’s secret lair for debriefing, and the boys win the task, despite making less money… they win because they spent less on supplies! So off to the luxury penthouse with the boys; the girls get to stay behind to explain themselves… and when put under pressure decide to just lay blame on each other.

You have to love the back-stabbing attitude of contestants on this show!

After some to-ing and fro-ing it comes down to three eligible for the sack, the team leader Mona, Anita who can’t use a hose, and Debra who called her team “puppets”. Alan wants to sack them all, but finally chooses the idiot who can’t operate a hosepipe Anita!

And The Apprentice is back!

Click here to watch Sir Alan Sugar fire Anita!

Click here to watch episode 1 on the BBC iPlayer.

THE APPRENTICE… A tribute in blocks

You know you have captured the heart strings of the nation when somebody takes the time to recreate your show with Lego blocks, a task that must be very time consuming. So if this video does anything it shows that Sir Alan is loved by at least one man and his Lego blocks!

THE APPRENTICE… the trailer!

As my excitement mounts for the upcoming series of The Apprentice, I thought I would share with you the trailer… if that doesn’t get you excited, then probably nothing will!